Choices and Remembering
Your dog's barking at the back door. Your wife's barking at the front. Who do you let in? Well, it's your call... but the dog'll stop barking when you let him in.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
Understanding Women (Contributed almost simultaneously by Cheryl Agne and Cheryl van der Eerden.)
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old
lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.
This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No-think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
The Female Brain Illustrated
Ever wonder how the female brain works. We now have a chart that delineates the different areas of the female brain. It shows and sizes glands ranging from the "I told you so" gland, the "sex initiator gland", the "headache generator gland", etc. Men will find it hilarious.
I Won!!!
A guy gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and says,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
The wife says, "Wow! That's great! I'm so happy! Should I pack for the ocean, or should I pack for the mountains?” He says, "I don't care. Just get the hell out!"
A Chemical Analysis of A Woman
Element - Woman
Symbol - Wo
Discoverer - Adam
Atomic Mass - Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 100 to 460 lbs.
Occurrence - Copius quantities in all urban areas
Physical properties:
- Surface usually covered with painted film.
- Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
- Melts if given special treatment.
- Bitter if incorrectly used.
- Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
- Yields to pressure when applied to correct points.
- Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
- Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
- May explode spontaneously if left alone with a Male.
- Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by saturation in alcohol.
- Most powerful money-reducing agent known.
Common uses:
- Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
- Can be great aid to relaxation.
- Pure specimen turns a rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
- Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
- Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
- Illegal to possess more than one.
Keep Her Cheryl van Eerden
There was this guy, recently separated, who thought he would boost his
ego a little by buying himself a new Mercedes. He was driving along the highway, at a good clip, when a cop pulled in behind him...lights
flashing. He thought to himself, "This is my first good rip in this
car, I'm not going to let a cop ruin it - I can outdo him easily".
He put the pedal to the metal and the cop followed...soon, after reaching 100 miles per hour, the guy said to himself, "What am I doing?" and pulled over. The cop came up to the window and said, "I've had a long night, I've already met my quota, and I don't feel like doing this paperwork. If you've got a good excuse, I'll let you off this time.
Well, without having to think about it, the guy said, "Well, last week, my wife left me for some cop and I thought you were trying to give her back!"
You can observe a lot just by watching.
It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.
Yogi order a pizza, the waitress asked how many pieces do you want your pie cut? Yogi responded, "4, I don't think I could eat 8"
During a game of 20 Questions Yogi asked "Is he living now"
After seeing the opera Tosca, Yogi remarked, "I really liked it, even the music was nice"
If people don't want to come out to the ball park, nobody's going to stop them.
I want to thank all those who made this night necessary.
I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early.
Interviewer - "Why, you're a fatalist !" - Yogi Berra - "You mean I save postage stamps ? Not me.
You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
How can you think and hit at the same time?
If you come to a fork in the road, take it.
It ain't over 'til it's over.
This is like deja vu all over again. Dale's note: Yogi said this when Maris & Mantle were pursuing the home record again for the second time.
Phil Rizzuto - "Hey Yogi I think we're lost." - Yogi Berra - "Ya, but we're making great time!
I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on it's head.
Slump ? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hittin.
It's pretty far, but it doesn't seem like it.
In baseball, you don't know nothin'.
How can you think and hit at the same time?
Yogi Berra on seeing a Steve McQueen movie: - "He must have made that before he died
If you can't imitate him, don't copy him.
Baseball is 90% mental, the other half is physical
Mrs. Lindsay - "You certainly look cool." - Yogi Berra - "Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
A nickel isn't worth a dime today
Referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium. "it gets late out there early"
During his movie review television show referring to actress Glen Close. Yogi called her "Glen Cove" (a village on Long Island)
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future
I didn't say the things I said
It ain't over until its over
Yogi was interviewed after a game , as compensation he recieved a check "Pay to the order of BEARER" He said, "I've known this guy so long, he can't spell my name right"
When ask what time it was , Yogi said "Do you mean now"
I take a two hour nap between 1PM and 4PM
90% of the putts that are short don't go in
You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what is left.
When asked "what would you do if you found $1 million?" Yogi responded, "if the guy was poor, I'd give it back"
Yogi saw three of his players in the locker room wearing Cone Head hats, Yogi said, "those guys make a pair"
Yogi met George Bush during an election campaign. Bush said Texas was important. Yogi said "Texas has a lot of electrical votes"
One day a repairman came to fix Yogi's Venitian BLINDS. Larry (Yogi's son) said " the man is here for the venetian BLINDS" Yogi said give him $5.00.
He a big clog in their machine.
Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.
You got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.
She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."
"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."
For a beautiful and cute Christmas scene/card/music, see Cheryl Agne's submission - Digiserve
Please email your stories to: Dale Tincher
We make every attempt to abide by copyright laws. Please notify us of any copyright violations and we will promptly remove the items in question.
Back To Beginning
Yogi Berra is one of my heroes. Some of the quotes attributed to him follow. (Dale)
I don't want to make the wrong mistake.
Be Right Back
An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.
Messed up lately? Mark's Apology Generator can get you out of anything. This is funny!!! (Oops, it's rated R, I didn't notice the language before - only in a few places.)
Need a translator? This translates to anything, including Redneck - The Dialectizer
Poor Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
May you and your loved ones, enjoy peace on Earth.
There's more fun below!
Riddle
If "CON" is the opposite of "PRO", what is the oposite of PROGRESS?
A funny/disgusting picture (on the left) of the Highways Dept in Action, from Cheryl van der Eerden. (A friend told me he feels like this at tax time.)
Uhbeduhbedubeha... that's all folks!! We hope you enjoyed it.