Soak your gloves in water and store them in the freezer after every use.
Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
Sporadically drop things.
Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice,and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.
Quotes From The Sidelines
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season..."I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl" Matt Millen of the Raiders said to win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
An NC State player, when asked several years ago by a sportscaster to comment on his impressive opposite hand shot during a game reportedly said, "I've been amphibious for years."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996 "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor.
The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."
Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1992-Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1982 -Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1981 -Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1966 -Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 -Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injuredreserve players out for the toss next time."
1991 -Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 -Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints GM, when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 -Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1996 -Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 -Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're Not going to any more bowl games.' "
1986 -LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1991 -Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' "
1991 -Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1987 -Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Adopt An NBA Basketball Player
THE NBA PLAYER ADOPTION PROGRAM NEEDS YOU!
With an NBA player's strike against the team owners looming, now is the time for us to show the world just how much we care. It's just not right. Hundreds of basketball players in our very own country are living at or just below the seven-figure salary level! Atrocious! And, as if that weren't bad enough, they will be deprived of pay for several weeks-possibly a whole year-as a result of the strike. But now you can help! For about two thousand dollars a day-that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV-you can help a basketball player remain economically viable during his time of need.
Two thousand dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to a basketball player it could mean the difference between a vacation spent golfing in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, two thousand dollars is nothing more than three months rent or mortgage payments. But to a basketball player, two thousand dollars a day will almost replace his salary.
Your commitment of two thousand dollars a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio.
"HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING?"
Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, 401(k), real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. You'll also get information on how he plans to invest the $5 million lump sum he will receive upon retirement. Plus upon signing up for this program, you will receive a photo of the player (unsigned). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering.
"HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING"
Your basketball player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator just in case additional funds are needed for unexpected expenses.
Simply fill out the form below.
___YES, I want to help!
I would like to sponsor a striking NBA basketball player. My preference is checked below:
[ ] Starter
[ ] Reserve
[ ] Star*
[ ] Superstar**
[ ] Entire team***
[ ] I'll sponsor a player most in need. Please select one for me.
* Higher cost
** Much higher cost
* Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific
team (Sorry, does not include cheerleaders).
Please charge the account listed below $2,054.79 per day for a reserve player or starter for the duration of the strike. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a team logo and my very own NBA Players Association badge to wear proudly on my lapel.
[ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express
[ ] DiscoverCard [ ] Diner's Club
Your Name: __________________________
Telephone Number: __________________________
Account Number: __________________________ Exp.Date:_________
Signature: __________________________
Mail completed form to NBA Players Association or call 1-888-TOOMUCH now to enroll by phone. (Children under 18 must have parental approval.)
Note: Sponsors are not permitted to contact the player they have sponsored, either in person or by other means including, but not limited to, telephone calls, letters, e-mail, or third parties. Keep in mind that the basketball player you have sponsored will be much too busy enjoying his free time, thanks to your generous donations. Oh yes, contributions are not tax-deductible.
Great Quotes (Initially forwarded by Cheryl Agne. Many entries added since.)
For those of you who would like to improve your outlook on life...
If God wanted most of us to see the sunrise, He would have scheduled it later in the day.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
It's always darkest before you step on the cat's tail.
The most enjoyable way to follow a vegetable diet is to let the cow eat it, and then eat the cow.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Who says nothing is impossible... my uncle has been doing nothing for years.
(Bagdhad) Following a second day of heavy bombing in and around the Iraqi capital, Saddam Hussein today announced that he is willing to accept censure.
Bob Dole's Viagra ad, "I didn't win the Presidency, but with Viagra I can act like I did!"
If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
He's the type who approaches every subject with an open mouth.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Guests who kill talk show hosts-On the last Geraldo.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
And finally ...
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
More Great Quotes (Forwarded by Katsuey Kat)
CORPORATE LINGO
"COMPETITIVE SALARY:"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well,
a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY:"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED:"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON:"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been
filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or
respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do
it.
"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:"
I pilfer office supplies.
"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:"
I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'M PERSONABLE:"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:"
I carry a Day-Timer.
"I AM ADAPTABLE:"
I've changed jobs a lot.
"I AM ON THE GO:"
I'm never at my desk.
"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:"
The minute I find a better job.
Dilbert's newest additions to add to your vocabulary in the late 90's
office environment:
Assmosis - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss.
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Seagull Manager - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves.
Salmon day - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
Chainsaw consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Adminisphere - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in - "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man."
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in - "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
Ohno-second - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
Umfriend - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Dyan, my ... um ... friend."
Body Nazis - Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
Cube Farm - An office filled with cubicles.
Idea Hamsters - People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
Mouse Potato - The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
Prairie Dogging - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Squirt the Bird - To transmit a signal to a satellite.
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Stress Puppy - A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
Swiped Out - An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example - "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Treeware - Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
Xerox Subsidy - Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
Going Postal - Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group.
Chips and Salsa - Chips = 3D hardware, salsa = 3D software. i.e. - "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa."
G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Irritainment - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
Deinstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice president at a downsizing computer firm - "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." (See also, "Decruitment.")
Vulcan Nerve Pinch - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot fora Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.
Yuppie Food Stamps - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal - "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps."
New Catch Phrases At Work Forwarded by Katsuey
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go by flying.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the hell is the ceiling?"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Please email your stories to: Dale Tincher
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